


with a whimper

by littlebmam



Category: Holby City
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Communication, F/F, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Post-Break Up, Raf is alive, References to Depression, Serena drinks white wine, listen it sure as heck aint worse than canon, nothing happens
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:40:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23361850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlebmam/pseuds/littlebmam
Summary: Serena and Bernie broke up. 7 weeks later they meet again. They may get back together but they still have a lot to learn. Mainly the art of communication.
Relationships: Serena Campbell/Bernie Wolfe
Comments: 59
Kudos: 159





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Two Berena break up prompts from Tumblr:  
> 1\. you’re my emergency contact and i’ve been in an accident so you drop everything to come to the hospital;  
> 2\. i found the ring when i was moving my stuff out of your apartment and now everything makes sense.  
> With the second prompt I took some creative liberties.  
> I don't have a beta, so any and all mistakes are my own, English is not my first language.

Bernie Wolfe is certain that this is what dying feels like. She’d been blown up by an IED and survived to tell the tale. She’d had a pseudoaneurysm. She’d been in the bloody army for decades and seen things most days she refused to even remember and yet nothing she had ever experienced could quite compare to how she was feeling right now.

Yes. Bernie Wolfe is certain that this is what dying feels like. She was sitting in her car, windows rolled down and a fag tangling from her slightly trembling fingers. The smoke filling her lungs did nothing to ease the pressure in her chest. For one brief moment she thought about just curling up under the covers and never leaving their bed ever again. _Their..._

“Oh, god,” slipped from Bernie’s lips before sobs took over. There was no ‘they’ anymore. It was Serena and Bernie. And Serena’s house. Serena’s bed. Serena’s home. Serena’s family which did not include Bernie.

Bernie had never cried in front of Serena. _No Serena here to witness this,_ she thought bitterly. She realized she must look a sight, sitting in her car, smoke, sobbing and humourless laughter filling the space around her. She felt pathetic.

She had failed as a daughter. _No little girl of mine is going to join the army!_ was her mother’s reaction when a 17 year old Berenice had declared that she was going to follow in her father’s footsteps. She had failed as a wife as well. Ask Marcus, he’ll be more than happy to tell you about any and all of her shortcomings he had had to endure for years. She had failed as a mother. Yes, her children were speaking to her again, but she was only allowed to hug one of them.

So how on earth could she ever let herself to believe that Serena... _beautiful, brilliant, charming, witty, kind, magnificent Serena_ would want her? Bernie knew that Serena cared about her. She must, considering the fact that she so willingly forgave her for lying and buggering off to Kyiv and being emotionally inept and just about everything that she has done wrong throughout their relationship. So Serena cared about her, loved her.

_But not enough,_ Bernie realized. She may be willing to wait for Serena for an eternity but if Serena doesn’t want her to then what’s the point? “Stupid, stupid, stupid…” echoed in Bernie’s ears as her forehead thudded against the wheel of her beloved Mazda.

She decided that she would not subject Serena to any more uncomfortable encounters between them, flicked the butt of her third fag across the car park, wiped her tears with the backs of her hands and left for Serena’s to collect her things before what little courage she had left decided to forsake her as well.

\---

“You bloody senile old woman!” Serena grumbled to herself as she searched the contents of the same chest of drawers for the third time. She had always liked her space, both at work and home to be neat and tidy. Needless to say that living with Jason had enforced that habit even more. And living with Bernie… no, Serena was not going to go there.

Seven weeks was nearly not enough time to come to terms with the fact that she had sent the one great love affair of her life packing. Literally, because when Serena got home from Jason and Greta’s wedding reception, she stepped onto her own house keys laying on the floor just inside her front door. After a frantic search she had found her house empty of all Bernie’s things. When she collapsed next to her bed, face pressed into a pillow that still carried a hint of Bernie’s perfume it had felt like her heart had been taken away from her as well. But her heart belonged to Bernie, so it was only right that she took it with her as well.

Right now Serena was not looking for her heart. So it was gone, Shiraz could keep her body warm just as well. At least that was what she had been trying to convince herself of. No, Serena had a day off which meant time to catch up on some reading. Which is why she was looking for an article on the risks of hypertension among shift workers, but for some reason it was not where she usually keeps her to-be-read journals.

“What?” Serena muttered to herself in annoyance, when she found an unfamiliar object at the very bottom of her coffee table drawer which Bernie used to call a ‘junk drawer’, but Serena Campbell does not own junk, thank you very much. It took her a moment to comprehend that she was holding a soft black velvet box in her hand. Serena started feeling light-headed and for a moment she feared she was going to pass out. Her fingers holding onto the coffee table were white and starting to hurt which was when Serena realized she had stopped breathing.

She forced herself to allow some air to enter her lungs and once she felt more steady, let go of the table although she was not yet certain that she would remain upright. With hands that have never shook in theatre trembling like aspen leaves she opened the box. Inside there was an oval shaped halo style ring, twinkling almost offensively in the morning sun.

“Oh, Bernie,” Serena almost moaned, pressing the ring box to her chest. “What have I done?” If Serena didn’t think she could ever forgive herself if Bernie had felt even half of what Serena was feeling right now when Serena had sent her away.

Serena felt like she had to do something. _Bernie was going to ask me to marry her! Bernie wanted me to be her wife! Bernie was going to give me her heart and I broke both of ours._

Jumping to her feet, only for a moment considering the fact that she is in fact no longer 15, Serena all but ran upstairs, two steps at the time. Out of breath, she grabbed for the phone she had left on the bedside table. Only when she had opened her contact list did Serena stop.

Serena sagged onto her bed with an exhale, as if the air in her body had been keeping her upright. Who was she going to call? Bernie, who was half-way across the world? _Because I sent her there_ , Serena couldn’t help adding. She had no one to call, because there was no one in the entire universe who could fix what she had broken.

Looking down at the ring in the box she was still clutching like a drowning person would a life-line, Serena felt hollow. There was nothing left to fight for or against. And she was the person responsible for all choices that had led her to exactly where she was.

Never before had Serena understood quite as well as she did in this moment, what Thomas Stearns Eliot had meant when he said that the world ends not with a bang but with a whimper.

\---

Serena was brought back to reality by the ringing of her phone, almost too loud in the otherwise silent room. She didn’t recognize the number and for a moment considered not answering but the nagging feeling that it might be about Jason didn’t let her ignore the call. She cleared her throat and answered with a “Hello!” which may or may not have been just slightly less cheerful than Serena’s usual greeting.

“Hello. Is this Serena Campbell?” a stranger asked.

“Yes. Who’s asking?”

“I’m calling from Charing Cross Hospital in London. We have a patient called Berenice Wolfe here…”

“Bernie,” Serena felt like she’d been asked a question she couldn’t understand, let alone be able to answer. “Bernie’s in hospital?”

“Yes. You are listed as her next of kin…”

Serena felt like someone had taken noise cancelling headphones off her ears. “Bernie! What’s wrong? What happened to her?”

“Miss Campbell, take a deep breath, please,” the woman on the other end of the line said.

Serena felt like she had completely lost the awareness of her own body and emotions. _When did that happen? - What do you think?_ “Bernie…”

“Miss Campbell, she’s going to be fine. She was in a car accident but her injuries are not severe.”

“I’ll be right there,” Serena said already on her way downstairs. “Promise me nothing bad’s gonna to happen to her!”

“I’m afraid I can’t make prom…” - “Yes, I know,” Serena interrupted her. “Sorry. I’m a doctor myself, I know you can’t make promises. Just…” she was fumbling with her jacket, feeling panicky and out of control. She didn’t know what she wanted to say so she finished lamely with “nothing life-threatening, right?”

“No. Broken bones, whiplash, scrapes, cuts and bruises. Possible concussion. But no internal bleeding.”

“She had an injury a few years back, C5-C6…” - “It’s in her patient file. Don’t worry, Miss Campbell, we know all about it,” it was Serena’s turn to be interrupted.

“Right. Well, I’m on my way.”

\---

It was only after she was on her way to London that Serena allowed herself to think of anything other than getting to Bernie as quickly as possible. And as she did, her mind was filled with more questions than she had answers.

_Bernie was here. In England. In London. Bernie was in London! And I’m listed as her next of kin. Well, should probably get off my high horse, she just forgot to change that. But she’s here. And she’s hurt. And I’m going to see her. Oh, my god! I’m going to see her. She’s not seriously hurt. So I’m gonna have to talk to her! What could I possibly say to her? Sorry, I kissed an F1? Sorry, I sent you away? Sorry, I didn’t know you were going to ask me to marry you, but I found the ring just this morning?_

  
“The ring!” Serena said out loud. She started patting her body, _where did I put the ring?_ She felt an unfamiliar lump in her left pocket.

Serena took great pride in her ability to deal with things. She may not like it, but there was very little that could happen in an entire hospital which she could or would not face. So this sudden feeling of uncertainty and inadequacy was foreign to her. She loves Bernie, that much she knew. And she wanted this emotionally stunted dork with messy hair, labrador eyes and the ability to get as excited as a toddler at the smallest of things in her life. She needed her in her life. That much the last seven weeks had shown her.

Serena thought that no Bernie was better than an absent one. _Well, jokes on you_ , she thought. At least then she had had something to look forward to: a trip or a visit, a phone or a Skype call, a text, anything that showed her that Bernie was a part of her life and allowed her to feel close to her even when she was half way across the world.

So yes, Serena Campbell knew what she wanted to do, to say to Bernie once she saw her again. She wanted nothing more than to press the box currently in her left pocket into Bernie's hands and beg her to ask her to marry her.

She felt her eyes glaze over and had to blink multiple times to avoid crashing her car. Like Bernie had. Serena was suddenly overcome by anger. “I told you to drive responsibly, for fuck’s sake!” Serena slapped her hand against the steering wheel and blinked back tears that were threatening to escape. She refused to cry for someone who didn’t care about themselves. How many times she had asked, demanded and even begged Bernie to drive slower and safer.

_Change of plan_ , Serena thought. _No bloody begging for you, miss Wolfe. A swift kick in the butt for reckless driving is what you’re going to get._

\---

Serena was following the nurse who was taking her to see Bernie. The journey was taking forever and going by way too quickly at the same time. All the bravado that had filled her after chasing away her insecurity on her way to London had left her and all she was left with was crippling anxiety over having to see the love of her life again.

“There you are, miss Campbell,” said the nurse with kind eyes but a name Serena could not remember to save her life. “We’ve given her some ketorolac as well as morphine so she’s probably either asleep or going to fall asleep on you. She doesn’t have a concussion but she has fractured her 6th, 7th and 8th rib on her left side, dislocated her right shoulder and hurt herself quite a bit in general. But all things considered, she was quite lucky. Doctor Enderson wants to keep her here at least until tomorrow. Then you should be able to take her home.”

“Thank you,” Serena tried to smile. The nurse nodded and left Serena alone. Taking a deep breath Serena collected what little courage she had and opened the door.

\---

Bernie was woken from her slumber by a soft gasp. She opened her bleary eyes and tried to blink the sleep and the lingering remnants of a dream away because what she saw could definitely not be right.

“S’rena,” she mumbled when instead of disappearing her former lover came closer, reaching out for her hand. Bernie looked up in confused fascination, which Serena could not help but find adorable, when two warm hands wrapped around her cool and slightly numb fingers. “You’re here,” she slurred slightly. “Why?” she asked with her brows furrowed as if she still couldn’t quite believe that Serena was in fact quite real and definitely present.

“I’m here, love.” Serena was almost surprised to find that her right hand had found its way to blonde hair which was even messier than usual. _So much for being angry with her._ “How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine. You’re here!” Bernie tried to lift her left hand to grab the one Serena had buried in her hair but was held back by the IV line.

“Not gonna let it go, huh?” Serena smirked. She really could not be angry with this woman. But apparently she could break up with her. _No time like the present to fix your mistakes._ “I’m listed as your next of kin. They called me. Which reminds me, do you want me to call your children?”

“S’rena,” Bernie mumbled again, tugging Serena's left hand still wrapped around her own. Hazy eyes found hers and Serena finally noticed how tired Bernie looked. And not I-was-in-a-car-crash-and-need-some-rest-to-recover-from-my-injuries tired. Well that, too, but mostly it was I-haven’t-slept-in-weeks kind of tired. _Wonder why that is_ , Serena asked herself and briefly wondered if it was possible to give yourself a proper right hook without your own brain getting in the way. She came to the conclusion that she hated herself enough at this particular moment that her brain should really have no complaints over a good punch in the face.

Bernie’s eyes were falling shut, Bernie herself on her way back to dreamland. “Hey! I’m gonna call your kids, okay? Let them know you’re here.”

Bernie’s eyes flicked back open. “Don’t. Call them myself. Charlotte’s angry,” Bernie's eyes slid back shut.

“Oh, darling. I’m sure Charlotte would want to know you’re here, even if she’s angry with you.”

“Not angry with me...angry with you,” Bernie’s lips twisted into a lopsided smirk.

“What did I do!?” Serena asked, her gast well and truly flabbered. As far as she knew, she had been at her best behaviour on all of two occasions on which she had met Bernie’s daughter.

“Hmm,” Bernie mumbled, barely awake. “Broke my heart.”

\---

_If Charlotte is angry with me, then that means Bernie has been talking to her. It must be a good thing, certainly. Oh, wow! What a way to go, Campbell! Find the silver lining in this complete shit storm you’ve created._

Bernie was asleep, had been for a few hours now and Serena was sitting in a plastic chair, still clutching Bernie's right hand overthinking everything, waiting for Bernie to open her eyes and send her away. Serena was more than certain that she would. She had no right to be here and the only reason Bernie hadn’t sent her away earlier was because she’d been in the land of opioids.

Serena fished the box containing a probably ridiculously expensive engagement ring out of her pocket and opened it. It really was awfully pretty. Serena had to fight the urge to try it on, because she had thrown away her opportunity and right to wear that ring.

“Thought I’d lost it,” Serena looked up like a deer caught in headlights. “Must’ve hid it so well I forgot to take it with me.” Bernie’s eyes were fixed on the ring in Serena’s hand. “Doesn’t matter though. You didn’t have to bring it back to me. You can keep it. Or throw it away. Or sell it. Or…”

“Bernie!” Serena had to stop her. “I could never...I mean, it’s...you...were you...you were going to ask me to marry you?” Serena managed to get out something almost resembling a coherent question.

Bernie's eyes filled with tears but remained focused on the ring. “Yeah,” she said barely audibly, “I was.” Serena felt like someone had plunged a knife into her chest and was now turning it like a screwdriver.

“I’m so sorry! I’m so, so sorry, Bernie. I...please, look at me, love,” Serena said, her own tears falling onto her hand still clasping Bernie’s. She put the ring box onto bed, next to Bernie’s thigh, and brought Bernie’s hand back to her lips. “Please, look at me.”

When Bernie lifted her red rimmed eyes to Serena’s, Serena didn’t know quite what to say. So she decided to go with honesty. “I don’t know what to say. But I know what I feel and that’s pain. All I’ve felt for the last seven weeks is pain. And I regret that decision more than anything. I sent you away because I didn’t want to hold you back. To become someone you resented for keeping you from your dreams. So I thought it would be better to let you go. But I love you and I miss you and I’m not sure a life without you is one worth living at all. And I still don’t want to hold you back. But I don’t want to lose you either,” Serena let out a bark of bitter laughter. “I already have. I want to fix this. I need to fix this. Please, Bernie, tell me how I can fix this!”

Bernie’s eyes had dropped to their hands and at some point during Serena’s monologue she had started to look slightly grey. “Oh, darling. Are you going to be sick?” Serena asked, when she realized that Bernie looked like she might pass out.

“‘m fine,” she pressed out through her teeth and took a couple of deep breaths. She had yet to remove her hand from Serena’s and she decided to take that as a good sign.

“You...I thought...you...I should have a say in all of that,” Bernie finally said with a look of betrayal in her eyes. “You...you decided, that I want...what? An exciting job more than I want you. You sent me away!” Serena had never seen Bernie so defeated.

“I didn’t deserve you! I don’t deserve you. I cheated on you…”

“And I said it wasn’t insurmountable!” Bernie said, pulling her hand back from Serena. “You asked me how you can fix this. But the problem is that you don’t want me and that’s not something you can fix.”

“Bernie...no, no, no! Bernie,” Serena grabbed Bernie’s face because _how can she even think that?!_ She needs Bernie to look at her, to hear her. “I...want you, so much. I love you! I fucking adore you! You have to know that.”

“But…” - “But nothing,” Serena rested her own forehead against Bernie’s. “When you were away I missed you so much. And Leah was there and she paid attention to me and it felt nice and I made a mistake. And all I wanted was for you to be with me. But I can’t ask you to stay. I don’t have that right anymore. But I want you. I’ve always wanted you. Always will. Never doubt that, my love.”

Bernie felt tears on her cheeks and she wasn’t sure if they were Serena’s or her own. She felt a pressure bubbling inside her chest, growing and eventually forcing its way out. Serena pulled back, when she felt Bernie start shaking. She felt confusion mix with worry, “Are you...Bernie, are you laughing?”

“Yes,” Bernie tried to compose herself with no success while also trying to keep the left side of her body from jolting too much. “Sorry. I just..,I mean…” Bernie wiped away the tears on her cheek, both from Serena’s crying and her own laughter.

“Berenice Griselda Wolfe, you are the most...bizarre woman I have ever met,” Serena was trying to go for stern because she did just pour her heart out to Bernie and uncontrollable laughter was not the response she had been hoping for. But she knew that unlike herself, Bernie didn’t possess even an ounce of cruelty in her body and was even at the worst of times positively incapable of intentional maliciousness.

“Sorry, I’m sorry,” Bernie managed when her laughter was finally dying down. “I really am sorry. This whole situation is just crazy. I mean, we broke up and now we’re both miserable. You probably drink too much Shiraz,” she cocked an eyebrow at Serena’s incredulous look, “Your lips are still stained from last night. And I drink too much whisky. So much so, that Charlotte actually threatened to force me to go to an AA meeting if I didn’t stop.”

“You’ve gotten closer with Charlotte?” Serena couldn’t help interrupting, because if anyone in this world knew how important her children were to Bernie it was Serena.

“Well, I’m kinda living with her. Long story,” she said when she noticed the questioning look on Serena’s face. “And do you know, what the worst part is? You pushed me away even though you wanted me to stay but at that point I had already given in my notice. So not only did I lose my job, I lost you as well. The universe must really hate me, huh?”

“Bernie, are you telling me you quit your job and came back to Holby, for good, to ask me to marry you?” Serena thought she herself was going to pass out and would have to be treated for a concussion.

“Umm, well, yes,” Bernie muttered almost shyly, like a child admitting to doing something they were _expressis verbis_ told not to do.

“Berenice Wolfe, I swear to god, one of these days I’m going to have a heart attack and it’ll be all your fault!” Serena hollered at the truly emotionally inept woman in front of her.

“What?”

“You know, it would have saved all of us a lot of trouble if you had, oh, I don’t know, maybe started with that statement when you arrived 7 bloody weeks ago.”

“Sorry. I just,” to Serena’s great delight Bernie’s faced had gone from grey to pink, “I didn’t want to take any attention away from Jason and Greta’s wedding. And then, well, it seemed like you had already made up your mind and I didn’t have much say in the matter anyway, so…”

“We really need to learn to communicate,” Serena said and sat down at the edge of Bernie’s bed with a loud huff. “What…oh!” she pulled the ring box out from under her. “I really wish you had asked me to marry you.”

“What,” Bernie swallowed, one of the signs that she was uncomfortable, “what would you have said?”

“Yes! I would have said yes!” Serena said like she couldn’t believe Bernie had to ask. _Of course she asks if you make her doubt your love for her_ , a nagging voice at the back of her head couldn’t help reminding.

“And, if I were to ask you again?” Bernie asked, hiding her eyes behind her fringe.

Serena held the box out to Bernie and with a wink she said “Only one way to find out.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Literally nothing happens, they just talk because these two idiots really need to communicate more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't plan a second chapter for this story but it sort of wrote itself.  
> I don't have a beta. English is not my first language. Any and all mistakes are my own.

Serena and Bernie were engaged and living together. Bernie’s request for transfer from her current place of work in London to Holby had been accepted. Her injuries were healing nicely and she was soon going back to work, although surgeries were off the table for her for a little while longer. All things considered, life was good and there was no reason why Serena and Bernie couldn’t finally get their happily ever after.

Except, it was their second week back together and everything was not quite as Serena had hoped. She had been feeling guilty, both for asking Bernie to stay and for having sent her away in the first place, but after Bernie’s repeated assurances that in this situation both of them were to blame, Serena’s worries began to ease and they decided to leave past in the past. 

But Bernie was not herself. Serena was quite aware of the fact that her fiancée was frankly terrible with both words and emotions and had an almost infuriating tendency to keep everything bottled up and hidden away behind a stiff upper lip and messy fringe. Ever since Bernie had moved back in with Serena, she had been closed off, even more so than usual. At first she had assumed it was because she didn’t trust Serena and felt the need to protect herself, but given her willingness and sincerity when offering to leave the seven weeks of breakup in the past, Serena was beginning to doubt the accuracy of her theory.

\---

“Hello, you!” Serena called out when she entered the house. It had been a long and tiring shift with way too much paperwork squeezed in between surgeries. She was exhausted and her thoughts which had circled around Bernie and the peculiarity of her recent behavior while she was driving home from work hadn’t exactly helped.

Serena received a mumbled response from the kitchen, followed by some more colorful obscenities. 

“Cooking, miss Wolfe?” she asked, leaning against the doorway, assessing the damage done to her kitchen.

“I... shit!” Bernie dropped a saucepan in the sink and managed to splash a good amount of soapy water all over herself. “I have to make an effort.” Bernie said, to Serena’s great delight, with a hint of humour. “Being a kept woman and all that.”

“You think I wouldn’t keep you if you ordered takeaway instead of...oh, this smells really nice actually,” Serena had mover over to Bernie and inhaled both the scent of the pasta dish Bernie was mixing together and the woman she had wrapped in her arms.

“I opened a bottle for you,” Bernie tilted her head towards and open bottle of Shiraz waiting on the counter as she moved to place the bowl on the table.

“For me? Don’t you want any?” Serena asked taking one glass from the cupboard and keeping the door open.

“No, thanks.”

“Okay,” Serena closed the door and moved over to the table with a glass in one and bottle in her other hand.

“Tell me about your day,” Bernie said and started piling food on both their plates while Serena poured herself a large glass of Shiraz. “Anything interesting?”

Serena hummed over a mouthful of wine to show she had heard the question. Or perhaps to show her appreciation for the beverage. “Not in particular. No red phone today, fortunately. Quite a bit of surgeries, too much paperwork and not enough staff. You know how it is. Honestly, I can’t wait for you to come back to work.”

“Paperwork and ward rounds...I don’t know which is worse, being stuck at home or going back to work,” Bernie muttered, stabbing her food with the fork a little too aggressively.

Serena hid her grin at Bernie calling her house their home. “Someone has to do the paperwork and we both know I have done a fair share of yours in the past. Time to return the favor,” she offered a small wink before taking another sip of wine.

“Should have stayed in London,” Bernie mumbled around a mouthful, eyes shining with mirth. Serena felt a sinking feeling on her stomach when realized just how rarely Bernie had genuinely smiled or laughed in the last two weeks.

\---

They were lounging on the sofa, neither of them paying any real attention to the TV acting as a background noise. Bernie’s head was in Serena’s lap - one of the few positions Bernie found comfortable with her ribs and shoulder still acting up. Serena had a glass of wine in her right hand, left tasked with using her long fingers to softly comb Bernie’s hair.

If it wasn’t for her occasional hums of approval and pleasure, Serena would have thought Bernie was asleep. She almost wished she was because Serena knew they needed to talk but was not looking forward to the conversation at all. She emptied her glass and set it down on the coffee table. Accepting the fact that there really was not going to be a better time for this, at least not in the near future, she murmured an almost shy “Bernie.”

“Serena,” Bernie answered quietly without opening her eyes.

“We need to talk.”

“Oh, no,” Bernie said jokingly but seeing the look in Serena’s eyes she turned serious, eyes guarded. “What do you want to talk about?”

“It’s nothing bad!” Serena rushed to reassure. “Not really...”

“Did I do something?” Bernie asked, her brows furrowing, eyes searching Serena’s face for condemnation over a crime she didn’t know she had committed.

“Nothing. I promise, you have done nothing wrong, I...do you remember what we talked about at the hospital?” Serena asked instead. 

Bernie looked confused, but answered anyway. “Yeah. I mean, before I fell asleep, that part’s a little hazy, but other than that, yeah.”

“Okay. Good,” Serena said, offering a small smile. “Remember, I said we need to communicate more. Well, this is what I meant.”

“This?”

“There’s something wrong. Something’s bothering you. And you keep it to yourself, you’re closed off, even more so than usual,” Serena tried to sound as non-confrontational as possible because she had learnt the hard way that pushing Bernie too hard could result in a flight to another country. “And I’m worried about you,” she finished quietly.

“No reason to be,” Bernie decided to go for denial and indifference but it fell flat. As if Serena could ever be indifferent about her.

“Bernie…”

“It’s fine. I’m just tired.”

“I’ve seen you tried. There’s more. Tell me.”

“Serena, it’s okay. I can handle this. You don’t have to worry about me.”

“Stop it! You don’t have to protect me from you. And whatever’s weighing you down, you don’t have to shoulder it alone. All I want is for you to be safe and happy. Let me be there for you,” Serena cringed internally. She hoped she hadn’t gone too far with pushing Bernie to talk.

“I love you,” Bernie said suddenly with wide eyes and a sad smile.

“Love you too,” Serena smiled down at Bernie, smoothing back her hair which was almost as stubborn as Bernie herself. “Tell me.”

“I...I don’t think I can. I mean,” Bernie rushed to explain when Serena looked like she was going to admonish her. “I want to. I want to tell you...things. I do. And I trust you. It’s just, well, I’ve never really been very good at opening up to people. And I suppose I’ve never really had anyone to practice with either. Not before you. But you already knew that, didn’t you?” Serena smiled in response but otherwise remained silent, encouraging her to continue.

“Then there’s also the fact that I don’t...I mean, I don’t think I can explain that...whatever this,” Bernie waved her hand vaguely, “is. I just feel, I don’t know, off, maybe. Like I’m scared of something but I’m not really sure what. I just have this...”

Bernie groaned in frustration at trying to describe something inexplicable. Serena continued to stroke her hair, offering kind eyes and grounding touch to let Bernie know she was present and still listening. On the inside she was ready to burst.  _ Bernie is scared! My big macho army medic who is never afraid of anything is scared and I didn’t notice! _

“Have you seen The Hours?” Bernie blurted out. If Serena was taken aback she didn’t show it. “I have. It was a while ago, though. Why?”

“When Clarissa was...she said that she had this feeling of presentiment. And she couldn’t really explain it. I think it’s sort of the same. I feel like, like something is going to happen. Something bad. But I don’t know what it is or when it’s going to happen. I don’t even know i f it’s going to happen. I just feel like something is not right.”

Bernie fell silent and Serena wasn’t sure what to say. At least Bernie was finally opening up, even if Serena didn’t know how to actually help her. Serena was contemplating whether offering therapy as an option to Bernie would be a good idea or not.  _ Won’t find out unless you try _ .

“Have you...have you ever thought about seeing someone? A professional?” Serena asked cautiously.

“Of course I’ve thought about it! I was in the bloody army, you know,” Bernie huffed, turning her face away from Serena.

“No, I know. I just…”

“No. Serena, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to...oh, hell.” Bernie dragged her left hand across her face as if trying to clear her mind. “I just, I don’t see the point, really. I mean, I’ve thought about it and analyzed it in every way possible and it’s no help and I don’t know what a therapist could possibly say to me I haven’t already told myself.”

Serena took Bernie’s left hand in hers and squeezed her cold fingers softly. “What do you mean?”

Bernie took a deep breath and exhaled loudly. “I mean that I may be shit at expressing myself but I, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not aware of my emotions and feelings and reactions, you know. And I know this feeling, this fear or, or anxiety or whatever this is, is not connected to anything in particular. I’m not anxious about going back to work. And it’s not related to my accident either. Being in a car or driving is not an issue. I’ve checked my things and I’m sure I haven’t lost anything important. Like I did with the ring,” she offered a little smirk but then turned serious. “But I’ve thought about everything and there’s nothing wrong! And yet I still feel like I’ve forgotten something very important. And it makes me feel anxious and out of sorts and I’m sorry I’ve been neglecting you, only...I’ve been stuck in my head, I suppose. And I know it’s not an excuse but...”

“Stop! Bernie, stop! We’re fine, absolutely fine. Don’t worry about me, love,” Serena leaned forward to press a kiss to Bernie’s forehead. “You haven’t neglected me.”

“But you said that I haven’t been...that’t I’m closed off. But I don’t want to be! Not with you!”

“Oh, darling! I’m not gonna lie and say our relationship is perfect and there is no point in denying that we have communication issues. But you haven’t been neglecting me. Like you said, you’re just a little stuck in your head right now. Tell me, has this ever happened before?”

“I don’t know. No? No, I don’t think so. I mean, sometimes I get sad or, well, depressed, I suppose. You know, this sort of...black hole of hopelessness and exhaustion.” Serena felt something cold wrap around her heart. She knew exactly what Bernie was talking about. “But I don’t think I’ve ever been...just terrified of something. Well, it’s actually more of a nothing, really. I…sorry, I’m rambling,” Bernie offered Serena a shy half-smile.

“Oh, it’s quite alright. You know I will always be more than happy to listen to you. Is there anything I can do?”

“Take me to bed?” Bernie asked with an almost childish look of hope in her eyes.

“Trust me, I’ve been tempted. But until your ribs have properly healed I will not permit any physical exertion. No matter how pleasurable it would be.”

Bernie let out a honk of laughter. “Mind out of the gutter, Campbell! What I meant was, take me to bed and…” Bernie halted, her cheeks turning pink in embarrassment.

“What is it?” Serena asked, using the backs of her fingers to gently guide Bernie’s face to restore eye contact. “What do you need?”

“Would you hold me?” Bernie asked, averting her gaze. “I know you prefer being the little spoon but I was just thinking that...I haven’t been sleeping very well recently. Whenever I try to fall asleep I start feeling, I don’t know, restless, I suppose...And I thought that maybe it would help if you…” Bernie trailed off.

“Oh, Bernie!” Serena said with an affectionate smile on her face. “What am going to do with you?” Serena leaned forward to press her lips to Bernie’s. 

“Come on, love. Early night,” she murmured against Bernie’s lips.

\---

“Serena?” Bernie asked quietly. She was essentially laying on top of Serena who was wrapped around her like a koala around a tree. She felt warm and safe, she always did with Serena but this was somehow new, a little different. Maybe it was because Serena now knew how she was feeling and was holding her just a little bit tighter. Or perhaps it was the fact that she had told Serena and she herself felt somehow lighter.

“Hmm...yes?” Serena murmured into Bernie’s hair.

“You...I was thinking...maybe I will...could...should! Oh, crap. I should have thought this through,” Bernie let out a self-deprecating honk of laughter.

“It’s okay,” Serena nuzzled Bernie's hair with her nose.  _ I really have an obsession _ , she thought. “Start again?”

Bernie took a deep breath. “Maybe I should see a therapist.”

“Okay,” Serena said simply.

“But I...I don’t want you to think less of me or, or...I’m not broken!” Bernie rushed out suddenly.

“What?” Serena pulled away from Bernie a little. “Of course you’re not broken! Do you...do you think less of me for seeing a therapist after Ellie died?”

“No!” Bernie lifted her head of Serena's chest and let out a yelp at moving her right shoulder at an awkward angle. “Shit! No! I would never!”

“Well, then. Why would you think that I would think less of you for seeing one?” Serena asked, gently massaging Bernie’s shoulder.

“I don’t,” Bernie let out a quiet sigh and Serena wasn’t sure whether it was because of what she said or the massage. “Maybe I would think less of me if I went to see one,” Bernie said quietly.

“Bernie…”

“You know my dad...he was really great, but he always taught me to keep my emotions and weaknesses hidden away. That no one needs to know because they’ll use it against you or just feel pity without actually giving a damn. That’s how I was raised. And admitting that maybe I do need to see someone, it’s like...it feels like letting him down.”

“You’re not letting him down by taking care of yourself! And people do care. I care! And I promise I will never use what you share with me to intentionally hurt you.”

“Thank you.”

Serena pressed a kiss to Bernie’s temple instead of answering.

“Do you think I need to see someone?” Bernie asked after a little while.

“I think you should only do that if you want to.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

“Didn’t you?”

“You brought it up. Earlier.”

“Oh. I did, didn’t I.”

“Well, then?”

“My answer still stands. It was just an offer, a thought. But it’s up to you. If you think you could benefit from it, then you should. If you don’t want to then don’t. It’s no use if it’s forced.”

“So it’d be okay if I decided to wait a little? Maybe this feeling will go away. You know, like a wave that’s pulling you under and you just need to stop fighting it and let it consume you until it let’s you go again.”

“Of course it would be okay. Like I said, it’s up to you. I will be here for you no matter what.”

Bernie turner her head to press a kiss to Serena’s clavicle.

“Although,” Serena continued. “You saying it’s like a wave that’s pulling you under and that you should let it consume you...well, it concerns me. That’s what my grief felt like.”

“Oh, no. Serena. I don’t...it’s not quite like that. I just meant that until now I’ve been trying to fight against this feeling: distracting myself, keeping busy, trying to either ignore or understand it...drinking,” Bernie added quietly.

“You haven’t been drinking any more than I have.” When Bernie remained silent Serena asked cautiously “Have you?”

“Ah...a little. Sometimes...during the day, when you’re at work. It just got a bit much, nothing to take my attention away from it. So I had a drink or two to...I hoped it would help.”

Serena felt dizzy. She wanted to help Bernie. Something was hurting Bernie so much she had tried to drink it away. She wondered if that was what Bernie had felt like when she’d been attempting to drown her own demons in cheap Shiraz.

“And did it?” Serena tried to keep her voice as neutral as possible. The last thing she wanted was to give Bernie any reason to think she was judging her.

Bernie let out a humorless chuckle. “No. I mean, for a moment, maybe. But it always came back and somehow it always felt worse afterwards. That’s why I didn’t drink any wine tonight.”

“So it’s not a problem?”

“No. I don’t think so,” Bernie said honestly.

“Good.”

“Anyway, what I wanted to say was that maybe instead of trying to make it, this feeling, go away, maybe I should just let myself feel whatever it is that I’m feeling. Because I think I’m so worried about this...heavy feeling that my own overthinking is causing me to feel anxious.”

“That makes sense. But if everything stays the same for...let’s say, a week, we’ll revisit this topic?”

“Yeah, okay. Sounds fair,” Bernie agreed. She hesitated for a moment “Can I...I can still talk to you, though? If I feel like, like…”

“Oh, yes! Always!” Serena interrupted, bringing Bernie even closer to her chest if possible. “Always and about anything!”

“Thank you!” Bernie murmured against Serena’s neck. Serena felt Bernie smile. “You know, for someone who usually avoids speech I’ve been quite talkative today. You’re not good for me, miss Campbell. How is one supposed to maintain their image of aloofness around you?”

“Was that a T. S. Eliot reference?” Serena asked in mock surprise.

“Hey!” Bernie gave a soft swat to Serena’s thigh. “I may not be able to tell Beyoncé from Shakira by voice but I know a thing or two about things other than medicine. But I must admit, that reference was completely accidental.”

“On quiz night you will not be on my team,” Serena warned Bernie.

“Try and stop me!” Bernie smiled. “I can handle one ol’ Serena Campbell.”

“Oi!” it was Serena’s turn to swat Bernie. “Allow me to remind you, you’re older than me.”

“Three months!”

“Go to sleep, old lady. You need your rest,” Serena pressed a kiss to Bernie’s forehead.

“Once this old lady is healed she will get her revenge.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So apparently a little bit of The Hollow Men slipped into this chapter as well.  
> Hope you liked it! All feedback is more than welcome!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Mother's Day, some feelings get hurt and then some more communication happens.

Bernie wasn’t happy about having broken up with Serena but it did have some rather positive results. One of them being Bernie getting closer with her daughter. 

Cameron had long since forgiven Bernie but Charlotte had been a lot more reserved about reestablishing the relationship with her mother. When Bernie ended up in London after Jason and Greta’s wedding, she had needed a place to stay until she found a place of her own and Charlotte had kindly offered her couch. At first, living together had been a little awkward and Bernie, who on top of having just lost the love of her life also had to get used to a new hospital and coworkers, had little energy to make an effort at something she had never been naturally good at.

When Charlotte heard her mother crying in the shower a week after she had moved in, she had panicked. Her mother didn’t cry! She’d seen her father cry on a handful of occasions but never her mother. She called her brother for help but instead of helpful advice she’d received a proper earful of older-brother’s-tough-love. A well deserved one, she admitted to herself later on, though she’d never say it out loud.

That was the first time Charlotte Dunn, as heartbroken and angry as she’d been after her parents’ divorce and mother’s lies, realized just how much her mother really loved one Serena Campbell. And how much she was now hurting. That evening, while pretending to watch the news, Charlotte had but down her empty mug of tea and picked up her mother’s hand.

That is how Bernie had ended up with a text from Charlotte, asking if she and Cameron could come over on Mother’s Day. She was about to press ‘send’ on her short message (affirmative, obviously) when she remembered something she mentally reprimanded herself over for having forgotten. _Serena._ She’d been so excited about receiving this particular text from Charlotte that for a moment it had completely slipped her mind that Elinor would not be coming over on Mother’s Day with a gift and a hug for Serena. 

Bernie deleted her message and instead wrote that she would love to have them over but would need to talk to Serena first.

After Bernie and Serena had gotten back together, Charlotte had been a little apprehensive, but seeing her mother happier and more content than ever before, she had decided to give Serena one more chance. “Just so you know, my mom has taught me 13 ways to kill someone with my bare hands,” Charlotte hadn’t been able to keep herself from adding, making both her mother and her lover smirk for some reason, though the latter had promised to never give her a reason to put that particular knowledge into practice.

It was Friday and Bernie’s last shift of the week was about to end. Serena had a day off but had to come in the next day. That ensured they both had Mother’s Day free of any and all work responsibilities and Bernie hoped she would get the chance to spend it with both her children and Serena.

\---

It’s not that Bernie didn’t want to talk to Serena. She’d been easy to talk to from the very beginning. Even opening up to Serena or anyone for that matter, formerly no less than absolutely terrifying, was now slowly becoming easier for her. Bernie wouldn’t say she had become comfortable with it but they were working on getting there. The problem was that she didn’t want to hurt Serena and discussing that particular topic had great potential to do just that.

It was unusually warm for late March and after dinner Serena had invited Bernie to sit out in the garden with her. Bernie didn’t need much convincing - sharing a pot of tea and snuggling with Serena was definitely a good way to end a day. And that’s exactly what they were doing now: watching the sun inching slowly towards the horizon, green tartan blanket protecting them from the mild breeze,

“Charlotte texted me earlier,” Bernie said softly once she had finished her tea and put down the empty mug.

Serena turned her face away form the setting sun to look at Bernie. “What did she say?” she asked, knowing it was Bernie’s way of initiating a conversation she didn’t know how else to start.

“Erm- she asked if they, she and Cameron, could come over on Sunday,” Bernie squeezed Serena with the arm wrapped around her back.

“Mother’s Day,” Serena said simply, turning her face back towards the sun and closing her eyes.

“Yes.”

“What did you say?” Serena’s body was slightly tense but her voice remained steady.

“I told her I would talk to you and then get back to her,” Bernie said, looking at Serena’s profile, trying to gauge her mood and for some reason failing miserably.

“You know it’s your home just as much as it is mine. You don’t have to ask for my permission.”

“Sure,” Bernie agreed. “It’s our home. Which means neither of us should feel uncomfortable here.”

“They’ve been here before. Charlotte was here just the week before last,” Serena turned to face Bernie once again, her eyes remaining as impassive as the rest of her face. “Have I- it doesn’t make me uncomfortable. They’re your children and I would never fault you for having them.”

“No, I know that.” Bernie felt like Serena was holding something back. Not necessarily lying but her mouth was saying one thing while her eyes and face, usually so expressive, were saying nothing at all. “It’s just that- I know Mother’s Day is going to be hard for you and I don’t want to make it even more difficult-”

“Berenice,” Serena said, lifting her left hand to Bernie’s cheek and caressing it softly with her thumb. “Tell them to come over. I would love to see them and- and not spend the day alone.”

Bernie searched Serena’s eyes for something, anything that would indicate she was not being completely sincere. Not finding anything, she allowed her lips to stretch into a small smile. “Okay. Okay, good. I’ll let them know.” Bernie leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Serena’s lips, allowing herself to get excited over a day with her favourite people all under one roof.

\---

So that didn’t work out quite as Bernie had hoped. Serena had been present and kind to the kids but a far cry of her usual affectionate self with no sign of her inviting smiles and teasing winks. Bernie knew the day was not going to be easy for Serena and had tried to reach out to her but each time she hit a brick wall. At first she kept trying but when Serena snapped “What makes you think anything you do or say could make me feel better?” Bernie had pulled back. She knew she could not fix or take away Serena’s grief, but that didn’t really stop her from feeling inadequate and hurt at Serena’s words.

Charlotte and Cameron came over around noon. They were joined by Jason, Greta and Guinevere, who had visited the cemetery to take flowers to Jason’s mother and left early to visit Greta’s parents. They all had come bearing lunch and gifts for both Bernie and Serena. When Charlotte handed Serena a beautiful white moth orchid, Bernie had mumbled a mock complaint about not having received any flowers. Cameron had let her know that out of the two of them, only Serena was deemed capable of keeping the plant alive, which earned from Serena the first and last genuine, albeit small, smile of the day.

“Managed to keep you two alive, didn’t I,” Bernie affectionately ruffled Cameron’s hair.

“Well, dad did most of the-” Charlotte cut herself off, her face flushed and eyes glued to the floor.

Bernie felt like an iron fist had wrapped itself around her heart. She blinked quickly to ward off the prickling feeling behind her eyes. _Fair enough_ , she thought bitterly. Bernie cleared her throat, fighting the urge to reach out to Serena for her calming and reassuring touch, knowing that she was not going to find it, not today. “Right. Erm, the food smells delicious. Let’s set the table, eh?” Charlotte opened her mouth to say something. To apologize, but nothing came out.

The rest of the day went quite well, actually. Cameron and Jason kept the conversation going and even Charlotte loosened up eventually. Bernie contributed here and there but was mostly content to simply enjoy the presence of the people gathered around the table, laughing and teasing one another. 

Well, most of them, anyway, because Serena was even more quiet than Bernie but for different reasons entirely. After lunch Bernie put her hand on Serena’s thigh, more out of habit than anything, and was met with Serena flinching away rather than melting into her. She pulled her hand away so quickly it would have been impossible not to notice. Bernie tried to hide her pain at being rejected and ignore her children’s worried glances which flickered between herself and Serena who suddenly found her lap quite interesting.

When Jason, Greta and Guinevere had left (not before Guinevere had received a proper cuddle from Serena, of course), Serena excused herself and left Bernie alone with her children.

“You two okay?” Cameron asked, when they heard the bedroom door close.

Bernie let out a breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding. “Elinor,” Bernie said simply.

“I know. Not what I asked, though.”

“Listen, it’s just today, okay. Mother’s Day is tough for her. We-,” Bernie wasn’t sure she herself believed what she tried to say. “We’re okay.”

“Well, I told her what would happen if she hurt you and right now she is doing exactly that.”

“What?”

“She’s right, mum. Do you think we didn’t see the look in your eyes when you tried to touch Serena after dinner?” Cameron added. Apparently as well as teasing one another they could also tag team against their own mother. For a good cause, of course.

Bernie felt like the sky had fallen down onto her shoulders. Again. “What do you want me to say?”

Charlotte turned to properly face her mother sitting next to her. “Are you happy?”

Bernie covered her face with her hands when she felt her cheeks flush in embarrassment. She really did not enjoy confrontations about her emotions or feelings. Charlotte’s fingers wrapped around her wrists and pulled her hands down to her lap. “Mum,” she ducked down, trying to meet her eyes. 

Bernie lifted her face, lips pulled into a tight smile. “I don’t know,” she said honestly, Charlotte’s eyes looking back at her were filled with worry. “I- usually I am. Happy, I mean, with- with Serena. But right now-” Bernie turned her face away. She let out a humourless chuckle. “She can hurt me like no one else, I suppose.” Serena’s sharp tounge had cut her quite deeply in the past and that’s where Bernie thought this time in their relationship was, in the past. But this morning had proved her wrong. Serena was still capable of being cruel to Bernie.

“Well, that’s it!” Charlotte said, apparently coming to a decision.

“What?” Bernie looked from Charlotte to Cameron, feeling panic build in her chest. She tried to think of what she had done wrong but couldn’t think of anything that could make Charlotte turn her back on her again.

Charlotte was oblivious to Bernie’s panic and continued as if explaining the most obvious concept to a particularly slow person. “You just said Serena hurt you. I told her what I would do if she did it again. So-”

“No!” Bernie cut her off. “It’s just today, okay? We’re going to be fine. Please don’t do or say anything.” She hated the almost pleading tone her voice had acquired.

Cameron had obviously decided to leave himself out of the discussion, sitting back and not picking a side. Of course he loves his mother but he really, really liked Serena. Getting between them, if there even was a space to get into, was not something he wanted to do.

“Fine, but I’m not letting this go. If the next time I see you two she is not back to her usual all-over-you-like-white-on-rice self then I will give her a piece of my mind.”

Bernie couldn’t quite contain the smile that creeped onto her face. She really did love her daughter. “Okay,” she said, hiding her eyes behind her fringe. It was obvious that Charlotte was not happy about the situation but would not push it so as not to ruin the day more than it already had been. Bernie was quietly thankful for it.

\---

They moved into the sitting room with a pot of tea and spent a little while longer reminiscing about their favourite memories from when Charlotte and Cameron were still little. Their spirits had lifted and they were back to kind teasing and uncontrollable Wolfe laughter. When they decided to call it a night a little after five (it being a Sunday and all that), Bernie gave both her children tight hugs and told them to drive safely, Cameron telling her to give Serena his love. And off they went.

That is how Bernie ended up sitting on the front porch of Serena’s- no, their house, smoking a cigarette. _So much for the ‘perfect day with everyone I love’_ , Bernie thought bitterly. She stubbed out her cigarette and lit a new one. The day had been a textbook definition of an emotional rollercoaster: the highs had been high and the lows had been complete rock bottom. Saying she was not looking forward to going up to their bedroom would be an understatement. Bernie knew any day that reminded Serena of Elinor more than usual was difficult for her but that didn’t change the fact Bernie was hurt.

She decided to buy herself some time by dealing with the dishes. Having dropped the butts into the ashtray, she entered the house.

\---

Serena was in the kitchen. She felt bad for not having said goodbye but not as bad as she felt about how she’d treated Bernie and she needed to apologise. She saw Bernie sitting on the porch smoking and decided to kill some time by getting the dishes into the washer.

“Oh!” Serena heard Bernie let out a surprised sound behind her just as she was putting away the last of the plates. She closed the dishwasher and turned around to face Bernie who was leaning against the door frame, fringe covering her eyes and clasped hands unable to keep still. Serena realised Bernie was nervous. _Being around me makes her nervous._ She felt a painful stab of guilt somewhere in her chest.

“Can we talk?” she asked quietly, not quite able to bring herself to meet Bernie’s eyes.

“Erm, yeah. Yes, I think we should,” Bernie turned around and walked away. Serena heard her enter the sitting room and after grabbing a bottle of whisky and two glasses she moved to follow her. Whiskey wasn’t Serena’s poison of choice but she knew Bernie likes it better than wine.

She took a seat on the sofa, next to Bernie but not touching her, and poured them each two fingers. Bernie reached for the glass as soon as Serena had stopped pouring and took a large sip. How she managed to drink it like this without moving a muscle of her face, Serena did not know. Serena took a small sip from her own glass, feeling and actually quite enjoying the burn in her throat and chest, and then turned to face Bernie, left leg on the sofa in front of her, right knee acting as a coaster for the tumbler.

“Okay,” Serena said, more to encourage herself than anything. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “First of all, I’m sorry.”

Bernie didn’t say anything. She reached over to the coffee table and refilled her glass. Serena watched her quietly, trying to estimate the damage she had done. Bernie’s hands were shaking slightly, her lower lip pressed tightly between her teeth. _Quite a bit of damage, then,_ Serena concluded guiltily. 

She reached out and grabbed Bernie’s right wrist, “You have to believe me, darling. I really did not want to hurt you. I- I never want to hurt you.”

Bernie let out an unbecoming snort. “Really? Could’ve fooled me.”

Serena had to bite back a sob. “I’m so sorry,” she gasped out, holding Bernie’s arm even tighter.

Bernie shook her head, perhaps to clear it, perhaps to simply get the unruly fringe out of her eyes. “Why?” Her voice was low and so full of hurt Serena let the sob escape her lips. “Tell me. What did I do? I thought we had left that time behind us.” Serena knew exactly what Bernie meant and suddenly she felt about two inches tall.

“I-” Serena set her glass down on the coffee table to wipe away the tears that had gathered underneath her eyes without letting go of Bernie’s arm still tightly clasped in her hand. Bernie still wouldn’t meet her eyes. “We have. I- I don’t think I’ve ever properly thanked you for all you did for me. After- after Elinor died. Nor have I apologised. So thank you. And I’m sorry. For everything that I said and did. You didn’t deserve that and you probably should have walked away. God knows why you didn’t. Many-”

Bernie interrupted Serena, “I could never walk away from you!” Serena knew it wasn’t an accusation but nevertheless it felt like one. “You were grieving and I understand. Not what you were going through but the need to let out all the tension building inside you. I was happy- no, not happy. I took what you dished out because there was nothing else I could do for you,” Bernie finished softly.

“I know. I’m sorry I didn’t-” Serena tried to cut in.

“But I’m not invincible!” Bernie blurted out. There was a moment of silence between them. “I’m not- I’m not unbreakable, Serena. I know the grief will never completely leave you. But I thought we had moved past the time you- you needed someone to take it out on. And right now I can’t take it. I-” Bernie looked to the ceiling, searching for words and courage to continue.

Serena was holding her breath. This was way worse than she thought it was. _Please, don’t break up with me, I can’t lose you,_ she thought desperately.

“Serena, I can’t handle it. I feel fragile and vulnerable and I can’t be strong for the both of us right now.” She looked into Serena’s eyes as if begging her to understand. To stop causing her pain because she had reached her limit and was the one in need of someone who would put her broken pieces back together.

“Oh, god,” Serena mumbled out. “I-” she didn’t know what to say. What could she possibly say to make this better. She pulled Bernie towards herself. Though she tried to fight it, she didn’t really have it in herself to not give in. 

“C’me here,” Serena murmured against Bernie’s hair, holding her tightly against her chest. Bernie’s face was pressed against Serena’s neck, her breath hot and wet against it. “I’m sorry! I’m so, so sorry. You’ve done nothing wrong and you don’t deserve this. Please, forgive me! I’m so terribly sorry-” Serena kept mumbling against Bernie’s hair.

Bernie took a ragged breath. The scent of her lover filled her lungs, calming and grounding her. “Why?” she asked again.

Serena tightened her hold. “I was, I don’t know, confused I suppose.” She nuzzled her nose into Bernie hair. “I know it’s not an excuse and I’m not trying to make one. When you told me your kids wanted to come over today, I wanted to be happy for you. A part of me was. I know how much they mean to you. But another, bigger part of me was jealous. I know I shouldn’t be, I knew it was wrong but I could help it. All I could think about was how you had Charlotte and Cameron and my Elinor-” Serena’s voice broke. She took a shaky breath, “I will never get to hug her ever again.”

Bernie’s arms around her waist tightened their grip. “Serena-”

“Bernie, you have to believe me, I meant what I said. I could and would never fault you for having them. I simply couldn’t help but think about my baby and how much I miss her. But I didn’t want to worry you so I didn’t say anything. And I just ended up making it worse.”

Bernie pulled back from her and for a moment Serena thought she had made it worse. Hurt Bernie yet again with her careless words. But Bernie’s warm palms against her cheeks grounded her, made her feel safe and calm. “Bernie-”

“No, Serena. Listen to me,” Bernie pressed her forehead against Serena’s. “You told me to open up, to talk to you. And I try so hard. What I need is for you to do the same.” Bernie’s voice took on an almost pleading tone, “I need you to talk to me. Whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay. But we have to handle it together. Otherwise we just end up hurting one another and I truly don’t think I can handle much more.”

“I’m sorry,” Serena gasped out, her hands curling into fists, gripping Bernie’s shirt in a death grip.

“Shh,” Bernie breath was warm against Serena’s lips. “We’re going to be fine. We have to be. Otherwise Charlotte may end up doing something drastic,” Bernie said with a glint of mirth in her eyes.

“Yeah,” Serena let out a chuckle. “I should probably apologise to them.”

“Might be a good idea. Apparently she has become quite protective of me.”

“I truly am sorry,” Serena said, turning serious. “Especially for not supporting you when she made that comment about Marcus.”

Bernie shook her head slightly. “It’s bound to happen. You can’t protect me from my own past actions.”

“I should’ve held your hand. Been there for you. I don’t know, something,” Serena pressed on.

“Would’ve been nice,” Bernie admitted. “But either way, we’re okay now.”

“You’re sure?” Serena asked, not quite as convinced.

“Absolutely. We can lean on each other. I don't think there's much we couldn't handle together,” Bernie nuzzled her nose against Serena’s before pulling back and resting her head against Serena’s shoulder.

 _I'm engaged to a soppy dork,_ Serena thought, warm affectiom for woman in her arms filling her chest.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Serena and Bernie have a day off. Serena drinks white wine. Bernie wears a tank top.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a little short and slightly different from the other chapters, but it wouldn't leave my head so here it is.

For a few weeks now things had been going well in the Campbell-Wolfe household. Work was manageable, summer was fast approaching and thanks to some meddling with the rotas Bernie and Serena had more than a few overlapping days off.

Today was one of them. They’d spent the morning in the garden, taking care of their rhododendrons, hydrangeas and roses. To Serena’s great surprise Bernie has quite a green thumb and unlike Edward or Robbie didn’t mind spending a warm spring day with her hands in the dirt.

Now it was afternoon and all their obligations for the day had been fulfilled. Bernie was lounging on the deck chair, eyes closed, face towards the sun and her arms hanging above her head over the edge of the chair. Serena was sitting in her own chair, a glass of chilled white wine (after Serena made some mild threats Bernie had sworn not to tell anyone with one hand tucked behind her back, whether she had crossed her fingers or not is unknown) in one hand and a book she was pretending to read in the other. 

Pretending to read because it was extremely difficult to concentrate on anything when you have a certain ex army Major stretched out a like a cat enjoying the sun in your field of vision. Pretending to read because the memory of a slightly sweaty Bernie in a tank top carrying bags of soil was still fresh in Serena’s mind.

When Serena’s glass of wine ran dry she decided to give up the useless charade. It’s not like Bernie was paying any attention to what Serena was doing anyway. She set her glass and book down on the ground beside the chair and stood, walking over to Bernie.

Bernie felt Serena straddle her hips, settling down on her thighs. A small smile stretched her lips at the feel of Serena’s warm body against her own, her hands moving to rest on Serena’s hips of their own accord. 

“Hey!”

Bernie smiled wider, her eyes remaining closed. “Hello to you, too, miss Campbell.”

Silence fell over the two of them. Bernie enjoying the warmth of the sun on her face and the warmth of Serena on other parts of her body.

“Bernie?” Serena asked, when she realised that Bernie would remain quiet.

“Mm- yes?” Bernie murmured, distracted by Serena’s fingers running over her belly upwards.

Serena hadn’t really paid much thought to what she wanted to say. Feeling the silence stretch on for too long she said the first thing that came to mind, “Don’t you wanna do something today?”

Bernie let out a small chuckle. “I thought we had already done ‘something’ today. I don’t think I’ve ever seen your back yard look that nice.”

“Our back yard,” Serena corrected Bernie. “And gardening doesn’t count. I meant something more fun” Serena answered in an almost sulky voice.

“I’m having the best time already,” Bernie squeezed Serena’s hips.

“Oh, yeah?” Serena asked, not paying attention to the change of pressure on her hips. “Sitting in the sun, doing nothing is the best way to spend our day off?”

Bernie finally opened her eyes a little. “It’s warm and I have you in my arms-” she frowned a little. “Hands? ‘I have you in my hands’ sounds weird. Either way, it’s quite nice.”

Serena felt her sour mood at being essentially ignored lift a little at Bernie’s words. “Surely it could be better than that,” she nevertheless pressed on.

“Maybe I just appreciate it more,” Bernie turned serious, her eyes closing again.

“Appreciate what more?” Serena frowned.

“This,” Bernie lifted one hand off Serena’s hip to gesture between them. “I’ve never had that before. With- with Marcus I was away most of the time and when I was home it was always quite hectic. Trying to make up for the lost time with the kids and all that. And to be honest I don’t think I would have enjoyed being like this with him very much even if I had been given the chance. With Alex I never had the chance to just be, either. Any form of affection between us had to be hidden away like it was something dirty. For the first time in my life I can just be with the person I love. There is no rush, no broken rules, no fear.” Bernie opened her eyes to meet Serena’s, which had become slightly moist. She lifted her right hand to Serena’s cheek, pulling her closer, making sure she was looking her in the eyes. “I’ve never had this before. But it’s all I’ve ever wanted. So yes, for me this is one of the best ways to spend a day.”

Serena nodded shakily, blinking back tears which had gathered in her eyes and now stubbornly refused to leave. “Okay,” she said, leaning forward, resting her head on Bernie’s shoulder, her body trembling with tenderness for her lover which had overcome her like a wave. Bernie's arms wrapped around her back, holding her tightly.

“You alright?” Bernie asked, her lips pressed against Serena’s hair.

“Mhm, I was just-” she cut herself off.

Bernie tightened her hold on Serena. “Yes?”

“I guess I just wanted you to pay attention to me,” Serena mumbled quietly against Bernie’s neck.

“What was that?”

“I wanted you to pay attention to me,” Serena repeated in a slightly louder voice, her face suddenly feeling very warm.

Bernie let out a loud bark of laughter. “Oh, darling! Trust me, I’m always paying attention to you.”

Serena lifted her head to look at Bernie, her eyebrow raised in a way which, when directed at an F1, would cause them to stammer and suddenly doubt everything they once thought they knew. Bernie simply smiled and pressed a quick kiss to Serena’s lips.

“You can’t intimidate me. And it’s true. For example I can say for certain that you have made exactly zero pages of progress on that book you were reading. And that you don’t like this Pinot Grigio you were drinking. And that you like it when I lift heavy things.”

Serena’s other eyebrow joined the other at her hairline, her cheeks reddening once again at having been caught staring. “How do you know that?” she asked, though she knew the answer.

“I just told you, Campbell. I’m always paying attention to you.” Bernie nuzzled her nose against Serena’s before laying back down and pulling Serena back against her chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter may be a little different but I've still hidden a small reference to The Hollow Men somewhere in it.  
> Thanks for reading and as always, any and all feedback is more than welcome!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bernie and Serena finally talk about the wedding. A little bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea what this is or where it came from. I know I should take responsibility for the things I post but I can't because they sort of write themselves. Hope you enjoy?

“You know, we haven’t really talked about what we’re going to wear to our wedding,” Bernie mentioned casually after she had finished her dinner.

They had decided on an autumn wedding, it being Bernie’s favourite season and a long enough time away to plan a nice do with all the important people in their lives. They each had had a more traditional wedding the first time around. This time it was not about the white dress and big party many young girls dream about. This was about the two of them which meant going with whatever made them comfortable and happy.

Serena took the last bite of her own meal. “No, we have not,” she offered simply, waiting for Bernie to take a lead of the conversation she had started.

“You want a dress?” Bernie asked, taking Serena’s plate as well as her own to put them in the dishwasher.

“Hmm,” Serena took a sip of wine, thinking for a second. “I haven’t really thought about it. Probably. What about you? Going for a suit?”

Bernie leaned against the counter next to the sink. Serena was focused on the glass of wine in her hand. It seemed like she was trying very hard to find a reason not to look Bernie in the eyes. She pushed down the feeling of hurt building in her chest.  _ It doesn’t mean she’s mad at you _ , Bernie tried to reason with herself.  _ She’s just uncomfortable for some reason. Find out what it is before coming to any conclusions. _

Bernie decided to tread carefully because she couldn’t come up with a reason why Serena would not want to talk about clothes they would wear to their own wedding. “Actually, no,” she said. “I was actually thinking about finding a dress. Not a, you know, very wedding-y one. Something simple.”

“Really?” Serena looked at Bernie, one of her eyebrows arched, a small smirk on her lips. Bernie felt herself relax a little. A smile had to be a good sign.

“Yeah. You know, I actually own quite a few dresses,” she walked over to the table where Serena was sitting.

“Really? I can’t wait to finally see you in one,” Serena took one of Bernie’s hands in her own and pulled her closer.

“I don’t think you'll have to wait for very long,” she said, lowering herself to Serena’s lap. It had come as a bit of surprise to Bernie how much she enjoyed cuddling and being held by Serena. She had never been like this with Marcus. But then again, most things had been different with Marcus.

“What do you mean?” Serena asked, setting the glass down on the table and bringing her arms around Bernie’s waist.

“Charlotte asked when she can take me shopping for wedding clothes. I thought we might go together, the three of us. Maybe next weekend?” she asked, leaning closer to Serena and nuzzling her nose against the hair at her temple.

“Oh.” Bernie felt Serena tense against herself. She pulled back to look at her but Serena’s eyes were fixed at Bernie’s thighs in her lap.

“What?” Bernie lifted her hand to Serena’s cheek to pull her face upwards. Something was definitely wrong.

“No, stop,” Serena pulled away from Bernie’s hand, turning her face to the side.

“Serena! Look at me,” Bernie tucked her head to meet Serena’s gaze. “What’s wrong?”

Serena took a deep breath as if to gather her courage before facing Bernie. Her eyes were guarded and Bernie felt something heavy sit in her chest. She felt like she had yet again done something wrong but wasn’t quite sure what it was.

“Nothing’s wrong. You should go shopping with Charlotte. I’ll go on my own.”

Bernie let out a breath she’d unconsciously been holding. Perhaps Serena was just trying to avoid going shopping together because she was superstitious. “Come on, Serena. You don’t actually think it’ll be bad luck if we see what the other is going to wear to the wedding?”

Serena rolled her eyes. “Of course not. I think we’re way beyond anything that could possibly be called even remotely traditional.”

“Well, then,” Bernie’s right hand found a way to Serena’s short hair. “Let’s make a day out of it!” she tried to sound enthusiastic despite Serena’s apprehension. “It’d be a nice thing to do together and Charlotte said she wanted to take both of us. She sounded quite exited and I think it’ll be fun. Plus, we can make sure our dresses match.” She had never been a huge fan of shopping but getting to pick out a dress for Serena seemed like a very good way to spend a day. Bernie thought Serena was gorgeous in anything and nothing but she did have an especially soft spot for Serena in a dress.

Serena’s eyes slipped away from Bernie’s yet again and any hope at this being resolved quickly left Bernie in an instant, instead being replaced with chilly nervousness. “What?” she asked quietly.

“I just don’t wanna go with you,” Serena said, as if trying to get over with the whole conversation.

“Oh,” Bernie pulled her hand away from Serena’s hair, her chest suddenly feeling tight and her eyes prickling uncomfortably. “Right,” she croaked out.

She tried to stand up, needing to move away from Serena, needing the space to think, but she wasn’t able to, Serena’s arms around her waist keeping her down.

“No! Bernie, look at me,” Serena’s voice sounded strained, almost choked. Bernie wanted to look at Serena but her muscles refused to cooperate.

“It’s fine. We’re getting married but you don’t want to go dress-shopping with me.” Bernie let out a humourless chuckle. “Not sure why we’re even bothering with the whole wedding if-” she cut herself off. Bernie knew she was overreacting but she was suddenly feeling ridiculous. She’d been so excited at finally getting to marry the love of her life but apparently she didn’t even want to spend one afternoon with her and her daughter. Her insecurities were once again raising their ugly heads.  _ You’re not good enough for her, either _ .

“Bernie!” Serena’s stern voice brought Bernie out of her thoughts, her eyes lifting to hers of their own accord. “Listen to me,” she said, her hands moving from Bernie’s waist to her face, keeping it in place.

Bernie felt tears make their way down her cheeks. She hadn’t realised she’d been crying. Serena’s face was slightly blurry but the look in her eyes was so warm and full of love and- insecure? “S’rena?” it sounded like a question but she wasn’t sure what kind of answer she was expecting.

“I’m sorry,” Serena pressed a kiss to Bernie’s nose. “I didn’t mean it like that. Of course I want to marry you and I’d love to go shopping with you. Frankly I’m quite excited to finally see you in a dress. It’s just-” Serena blinked quickly a few times, her eyes fixed on the ceiling.

“Look at you! You’re gorgeous and- you have abs! You look better than most 30-year-olds. Hell, you look better than I ever have. And I just- I feel old and, and heavy and- I know I should lay off the wine and the ‘medicinal’ chocolate croissants-”

Bernie’s eyes grew wide. No way was Serena insecure about her body! She was the epitome of confidence and sex-appeal. “You’ve got to be kidding me!”

Serena’s hands fell from Bernie’s face but Bernie picked them up and brought them to her lips to press kisses to her knuckles. “Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?” she asked, her eyes wide and honest.

Serena’s eyes dropped to Bernie’s chin to avoid her gaze yet again. “You’re just saying-”

“I’m not just saying anything!” Bernie cut in. “There is nothing old and heavy about you. You are soft and feminine and absolutely bloody magnificent!”

Serena’s eyes remained fixed on Bernie’s chin. “But Edward- he used to-”

“Fuck him!” Serena had heard Bernie raise her voice only on a handful of occasions and she jumped when Bernie essentially yelled at her face. “Sorry! I’m sorry,” she said, when Serena’s startled gaze flicked to her own. “I mean, is he really someone whose opinions matters to you?”

Serena’s lips twitched into a small smile. “No, I supposed not.”

“I love you and I love your body. I love every single thing about you. If I’ve ever made you feel anything other than absolutely beautiful, I am so, so sorry!”

Serena pressed her forehead against Bernie’s. “No, never! I’m sorry. I was just being silly-”

“A little,” Bernie agreed with a small smirk on her lips. “My silly future wife,” she let the words roll off her tongue slowly, as if both testing and tasting them and Serena suddenly felt a warm feeling grow in her chest.

Bernie pulled back a little. “Want me to show you how much I love you?” she asked, a small smile playing on her lips.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bernie and Serena have a hen party. Raf is alive because I want him to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what happens when I procrastinate. Hope you enjoy?!

Raf and Fletch had insisted on Bernie and Serena having a joint hen night. Bernie had not been very keen on the idea but she hadn’t needed much convincing. When Serena’s eyes had lit up at the thought of getting to spend an evening out with their best friends Bernie was sold.

The night had been lovely. Endless supply of Shiraz, whisky and terrible singing had made sure of that. Because Serena had decided to let her hair down and paint the town red, Bernie had been more reserved with her poison of choice. To make sure everyone made it home in one piece, of course. It had nothing to do with wanting to be able to observe and remember every detail of Serena, eyes filled with tears of laughter instead of sadness, cheeks flushed from the effects of her favourite wine. No, definitely not that at all.

The night had been absolutely lovely. So how Bernie ended up in the back seat of a cab with a very drunk and uncharacteristically silent Serena, who a little after midnight had suddenly declared she wanted to go home, she didn’t quite understand.

Any inquiries about Serena’s wellbeing had thus far been met with either silence or snippy one word answers which did absolutely nothing to convince Bernie that Serena was as fine as she claimed to be. But Bernie knew better than to push, especially when Serena was three sheets to the wind.

Bernie knew Serena wasn’t asleep, even though her eyes were closed, head leaning against the window. Instead of asking again she decided to reach out for one of Serena’s hands sitting in her lap, hoping the physical contact would ease the sudden tension between them. When Serena pulled her hands away, Bernie was reminded of the first time she had tried to hold Serena’s hand and had been rejected. She let her right hand fall to the empty middle seat between them, feeling tears flood her eyes. _You are not going to cry in a cab like a bloody teenager_ , she reprimanded herself, trying to fight a loosing battle against her emotions. 

She knew Serena only ever pulled away from her when she was afraid of getting hurt, but yet again, Bernie felt like she was being punished for a crime she didn’t know she had committed. She lifted her hand off the seat when she was certain that Serena was not going to change her mind and take it and wiped away the treacherous tears which had escaped despite her best efforts to keep them at bay.

The rest of the journey home continued in the same heavy silence. When the car stopped in front of their house, Serena opened the door and was out in a heartbeat, making her way towards the house on unsteady feet. Bernie quickly paid the driver, rushing after Serena. She didn’t want her to fall and hurt herself.

She reached Serena at the front steps and put her arm around her waist to help her up. “Don’t touch me! I don’t need your help,” Serena mutter angrily, pushing Bernie’s arm away.

Bernie felt like she’d been slapped but instead of hurt all she felt was anger. “You know what? Fine. I give up. Do whatever you want!” Bernie said, moving past Serena. She unlocked the door and marched in, leaving it wide open for Serena, not bothering to check is she was coming in or not.

\---

Bernie was sitting in the kitchen, drinking a cup of tea. Even before they had got together they had always made or brought the other a cup of tea or coffee when getting one for themselves. This time, Bernie had made only one cup. She told herself it was because Serena probably didn’t want one, not out of spite.

She’d heard Serena come into the house after her but she was certain she hadn’t made it past the entryway. She fought the urge to go check on her. _She can come to me once she feels capable of talking like an adult_ , she thought. Sometimes she found it ironic that Serena had told her they need to communicate more because now more often than not it was Serena herself who needed to be reminded to open up more.

When she finished her cup, she rinsed it off and briefly contemplated ignoring Serena completely and going to bed. No matter how hurt or angry Bernie was, she loved Serena and wouldn’t leave her without checking on her, especially when she was this drunk.

She found Serena sitting with her back against the front door. She’d thrown her coat to the side and had pushed off her shoes. Her hair looked as if she’d been running her fingers through it repeatedly, her makeup was smudged and eyes bloodshot. Bernie couldn’t tell if it was because of alcohol or tears. Probably both.

She squatted down in front of her, waiting for Serena to look at her. When her eyes finally found Serena’s, they were hazy and unfocused.

“What’s going on?” she asked, now worried more than anything. This was so unlike Serena.

“You tell me,” Serena slurred back, an ugly sneer on her face.

Despite regular exercise her knees did not enjoy the position she was in and Bernie had a feeling they were not going anywhere any time soon so she sat down, pulling her knees to her chest.

“So you’re angry,” she tried to keep her voice neutral. “Wanna tell me why?”

“Oh, you know, not that you care-”

“No! I obviously don’t know!” Bernie threw her hands up in frustration. “And of course I care. I wouldn’t be sitting here if I didn’t. So why don’t you stop whatever stupid game you’re playing here and tell me.”

“So you think I’m stupid?” something unfamiliar and unpleasant shined in Serena’s eyes.

“I didn’t say that. Now you’re just trying to pick a fight. We either talk like adults or I’m leaving.”

Serena’s gaze dropped to her lap, all fight leaving her body. “You’re leaving either way,” she said, her voice pained.

“What?” Bernie was beyond confused at this point.

“Eventually you’re going to leave me. For some- someone younger and-” Serena covered her mouth with her hand as if trying to keep her sobs from escaping.

Bernie’s hands moved to Serena’s knees, trying to provide some comfort, not sure if anything else would be welcome. “I am not going anywhere and I don’t want anyone else, I don’t care how young they are.”

Serena let out a choked chuckle. “Yes, you are. I saw the woman at the bar. She was gorgeous”

 _That’s where that son of a bitch of a dog is buried!_ One of the waitresses at the bar they had visited had assumed it was only Serena’s hen party and had tried to chat Bernie up, slipping a napkin with her number on it to Bernie. When Bernie told her it was she who was marrying Serena, the girl had apologised profusely. Bernie was going to tell Serena about it but had gotten sidetracked by Raf who insisted on singing a duet with her. Apparently Serena had witnessed the exchange and made her own assumptions.

Bernie took a deep breath. “She gave me her number. I told her I was engaged to you. She apologised. That was it.”

“That was this time.”

“What?! What exactly are you implying here? That I’m gonna run off with anyone who comes along and makes an offer?”

“I don’t know, are you?”

“I’m not going to leave you and I would never cheat on you. I’m not Edward!”

“Oh, but you are.”

“Fuck you!” Bernie wasn’t sure when exactly she had stood up. This had gotten way out of hand so quickly Bernie had a hard time comprehending how they had ended up like this. She was done being rational because to hell with it all if Serena of all people was talking to her like this.

“Why are we doing this? Why are we getting married if you don’t trust me?” she asked quietly. “Yes, I cheated on Marcus, but that’s between me and him. If I remember correctly in this relationship you were the one going around kissing bloody F1s.”

Serena was staring up at Bernie, no longer even trying to hide her tears. Her mouth was open but no words were coming out.

“I’m going to bed. Stay here for all I care,” Bernie spit out before grabbing a bottle of vodka Cameron had used to make Bloody Marys the week before from the fridge and going upstairs, slamming the door to the spare bedroom behind her.

\---

Serena woke up the next morning to an aggressive banging. It took her a moment to realise it was coming from within her skull. Through squinted eyelids she deduced she was in the sitting room. _Why did I sleep on the sofa? Where’s Bernie? What happened last night?_

She very carefully pushed herself to a sitting position. When she was certain she wouldn’t vomit all over her sofa and carpet, she stood up, making a mental list of tasks she needed to complete: take painkillers, drink water, drink coffee, eat toast, find Bernie, find out what happened, take a shower, brush your teeth, sleep some more.

She made her way to towards kitchen, trying to avoid looking at any windows. _Bloody sunshine_.

Bernie was sitting at the table, her back towards the door. She seemed to be deep in thought. _Find Bernie - check._

“Morning,” Serena rasped out. She cleared her throat. There was a pot of coffee and some toast on a plate on the table. _Coffee and toast - check._

She took a painkiller from the cupboard next to the fridge, drank a glass of water and then went to sit across from Bernie who had yet to acknowledge her.

“So, any particular reason why I woke up on the sofa?” she asked as lightheartedly as she could manage with the hangover which was currently wreaking havoc inside her head, pouring herself a cup of coffee.

Bernie looked up, the look of surprise on her face bordering on comical. Serena had to suppress a chuckle. 

“You don’t remember?” Bernie asked quietly, her eyes searching Serena’s face for something. What, Serena wasn’t sure. The last thing she remembered was... _tequila shots with Fletch?_ So there was quite a chunk from last night completely wiped from her memory.

“There seems to be quite a lot missing, I’m afraid. What happened?” she asked carefully. She had a bad feeling and the mix of hurt and anger on Bernie’s face did nothing to ease her worries. She reached across the table for Bernie’s hand but she pulled away. _Oh, no! Not good at all._

“You don’t remember?! How- no! That’s not fair! You don’t get to not remember!”

Serena was lost, to say the least. “I’m- sorry?” she wasn’t sure what she was supposed to say. “I really don’t know what’s going on. Please, tell me what happened?” 

Serena’s mind was doing a good job of coming up with awful scenarios of all things that might have gone wrong last night. Nevertheless she was not prepared for Bernie’s answer.

Bernie seemed to deflate in her seat, her eyes not meeting Serena’s. “You- you told me that I’m just like- like Edward. That you expect me to run off to or with someone half my age. Because some waitress at the bar gave me her number.”

For a moment, silence filled the space around them. “You’re having a laugh,” she said, but her own laughter died down quickly.

There was fire in Bernie’s eyes when she looked up and it was not the kind Serena was used to seeing. This was pure anger fuelled by pain. “Glad you find it funny. You know, you didn’t answer me last night: why are we getting married?”

“Bernie-”

“What? You were quite talkative last night. Once you started you had a hard time stopping.”

“It’s not fair to use something I don’t remember doing or saying against me.”

“Isn’t it? It’s not my fault you can’t remember. I happen to have quite a vivid recollection of you telling me I’m just like your ex husband. Picking a fight with me over something while refusing to tell me why,” Bernie slammed her palm against the table when Serena tried to interrupt.

“Last night you called the shots. Now it’s my turn. So tell me, why did you come to the hospital to see me? You don’t trust me, I obviously don’t mean jack shit to you, so tell me, why are we doing this? No, why are you doing this? Because I love you. It’s the only reason why I didn’t leave the moment sun came up. Why I came back and why I’m still here.” her voice shook but she refused to back down. 

“That is not true,” Serena said quietly. “You mean so much to me. More than I could ever say and you know it.”

Bernie let out a wet sounding honk of humourless laughter. “Obviously I don’t.”

Serena tried to gather her thoughts. _How can I fix something I can’t even remember?_

“Listen,” Serena reached out her hand and left it in the middle of the table, palm up. She wasn’t going to take Bernie’s hand but she was going to let Bernie take it herself if she wanted to.

“I love you. So much! I want and need you in my life more than anything. And I’m sorry I can’t remember what happened last night but believe me, I am so sorry that I hurt you.” Serena was hoping Bernie would look at her but accepted the fact that she didn’t.

“You are nothing like Edward. I’m sorry if- that I said that. I didn’t mean it-”

“How can you know that?” Bernie interrupted her, finally looking at Serena. Her eyes were red-rimmed and she had dark circles under her eyes as if she hadn't slept all night. _She probably hasn’t._

“Because I don’t mean it now and I never have. When I first found out about you cheating- I was angry with you for lying to Marcus and- and to me as well, I suppose. But I never for a moment thought you were anything like Edward.”

“Why then? Why did you say it?” Bernie pressed on, wanting and needing to understand.

“I- I suppose I wanted to hurt you,” Serena said quietly.

“What?”

“From what you told me and what my mind can recollect from last night I assume I must’ve seen you- seen someone trying to- well, get your attention,” Serena stumbled through the sentence. “I thought I had gotten over the whole Edward business but the green eyed monster must’ve raised its ugly head. And I was scared that you were going to leave me, that you would realise that- that you would think I’m not good enough. For you. And I think I was trying to protect myself from the hurt of you eventually walking away by lashing out.”

Serena let out a shaky breath. Psychoanalysing herself was not easy but she had to push through. For Bernie if not for herself. Bernie was looking at her with wide, watery eyes but she didn’t say anything, letting Serena continue.

“I can be cruel. I know that and I’ve been working on it. And I must’ve said what I said to- well, I knew where to poke the stick. And I’m so sorry I did that. None of this was your fault and you didn’t deserve that.” Serena leaned forward, her hand moving closer to Bernie who looked at it, as if contemplating whether to take it or not. “I promise I will do my best to never do that again. Perhaps- it’s something I should- maybe I should contact my old therapist again. I can’t have something like this happening again-”

Serena remembered what Bernie had said earlier and she suddenly felt cold. “Unless- I mean, if you still want me.”

Bernie grabbed her hand with both of hers, her voice filled with conviction. “I’m not- I won’t leave you.”

“So you still want to marry me?” Serena asked, not completely reassured.

“Yes, always!”

“Okay,” Serena nodded, squeezing Bernie’s hands. “Okay. So- um, you know why I- that I love you?”

Bernie was silent for a moment, eyes fixed on Serena’s. “I do. But this can’t happen again. You can’t shut down like this.”

“I’m so sorry darling but I don’t think I can promise that. But I promise I will work on it and talk to you.” Serena decided to try and lighten the mood, “And if I don’t, I give you full permission to slap some sense into me.”

Serena was happy to see Bernie’s lips twitch into a small smile, “Okay. I think I can live with that.”

Bernie turned serious again, her gaze dropping down to their joined hands.

“What’s wrong?” Serena asked, suddenly worried again.

“I- erm, I think I owe you an apology as well,” she said quietly.

“Oh? What for?” Serena asked, her brows furrowed in confusion. She couldn’t think of anything Bernie would need to apologise for.

“Last night- I was so angry and so hurt. I- sorry. It’s just a little weird ‘cause you can’t remember but I can’t not- I can’t ignore it,” Bernie’s eyes remained fixed on their hands. “I left you sitting by the front door. And I told you- I accused you of being the cheater in this relationship. And I’m sorry for that because I told you we should leave it- the whole Leah business in the past and we have. But I guess I wanted to- to hurt you as well,” Bernie finished quietly, her hands gripping Serena’s hand as if afraid she would disappear.

“Bernie, look at me,” Serena said when Bernie finished. Bernie’s gaze jumped around the room for a moment before finally stopping at Serena’s.

“You’re right, it is a little weird. But it’s okay- well, I suppose it isn’t really, but I accept your apology. Like you said, you were hurt and angry, it’s understandable.”

Bernie nodded once, then tugged on Serena’s hand. “Come here.”

Serena stood, walking around the table towards Bernie, not letting go of her hand. “Yes, ma’am?” she asked, standing next to Bernie’s chair.

Bernie pulled her down onto her lap. “I can’t wait to marry you,” she said wrapping her arms around Serena and leaning in for a kiss.

Serena tried to pull away. “No, I haven’t brushed my teeth yet!” she exclaimed but not putting up a real fight.

“Don’t care,” Bernie murmured against Serena’s lips. “Love you. Hangover breath and all.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here is the last chapter.  
> Hope you enjoy!

It was the evening before the wedding. Traditions be damned, they had both decided and were spending their last night before officially tying the knot sleeping in their own bed in their own home.

It was another beautiful and warm evening. Serena and Bernie had come outside with their evening tea to sit and watch the sunset. Ever since they first started their courtship Bernie had learnt that this was one of Serena’s favourite ways to finish a day, both good and bad ones. But only if the weather was nice. “You would have to knock me unconscious and drag me there,” Serena had said when Bernie had suggested sitting outside on an extremely windy day in April.

Serena was sitting with her legs resting on Bernie’s lap. The warmth seeping into her toes from Bernie’s hands was familiar and the motion of her fingers relaxing. Occasionally an involuntary hum of contentment would leave her lips.

Suddenly the practiced movements of Bernie’s hands halted. Serena opened her eyes and lifted her right hand to block the evening sun which was blinding her. Bernie was sitting still, seemingly completely focused on her hands resting on Serena’s feet. Serena jerked her left foot.

Bernie jumped at the sudden movement, looking at Serena. Her brows were furrowed as if worried about something. Serena’s stomach suddenly seemed heavy.

“You okay?” she asked cautiously.

Bernie blinked slowly, then nodded and tried to smile. “I- uh, I actually wanted to ask you something.”

“Anything.” Serena answered instantly while internally she tried to calm herself down. Bernie looked worried but there could be a number of reasons for that.

Bernie’s hands resumed their earlier motions. “I was wondering about your vows,” she said eventually.

Some of the weight lifted from Serena’s shoulders. _Nothing very serious, then._

“What about them?”

“What did- how did you write them?” she asked, peeking at Serena through her fringe.

“Oh, no! Bernie! Don’t tell me you haven’t started thinking about your vows yet!”

“No! No, no, no, I have!” Bernie rushed to reassure. “I just- well, I don’t think they are very good,” she said quietly, a flush creeping up her neck.

“Well, I suppose it wouldn’t be appropriate for me to check over your vows for me, would it?” Serena raised an eyebrow. She can do some of Bernie’s paperwork, well, most of it, for her but there were some things she simply could not help the blonde with and this was one of them.

“No, probably not. I- I just want to get it right! For once in my life I want to get something right, especially something so important. But every time I try to think of something that could describe my feelings for you, all my thoughts seem silly and meaningless because nothing comes even close to being adequate.”

The evening sun made Bernie’s normally chocolate coloured eyes shine like caramel. Or maybe it wasn't the sun but tears born out of frustration. Either way, Bernie looked soft and vulnerable and Serena's heart seemed to grow bigger in her chest.

“Oh, Bernie, you could walk up there tomorrow and promise to love me for the rest of our lives and it would be perfect,” Serena tried to reassure her but the shake of Bernie's head told her it was futile.

“It wouldn’t be, though, would it? Not for me at least. I want to tell you- everything!” Bernie let out a self-deprecating chuckle, feeling inept yet again.

“Well, then. Tell me everything,” Serena said simply, seriously.

“Just like that?” Bernie looked confused.

Serena pulled her legs from Bernie’s lap and moved to sit next to her. She rested her head on Bernie’s shoulder, her left hand sneaking across Bernie’s thighs to rest on her right knee. “Whatever it is you want to tell me, I want to hear it. So yes, tell me everything.”

Bernie remained silent for a while. She wrapped her arms around Serena and pulled her closer.

Eventually Bernie nodded, seemingly coming to a decision.

"Okay."

\---

A few hours later, both Bernie and Serena were fast asleep, wrapped around each other. In Serena’s nightstand there was a notebook. The last thing she wrote in it is on the 51st page.

_I was trying to come up with a good metaphor for what you mean to me and I must admit that I couldn’t come up with any that would suit you, that would suit us perfectly. I suppose that makes you unique, incomparable - there is no one else in my life, in this entire world, quite like you. No one else’s hugs feel like yours. No one else smells like you. Laughs like you. Makes me laugh like you. Protects me like you. Loves me like you. And there is no one in this world I love like I love you. Finding you seems like something with impossible odds. That makes me the luckiest person in the world. I promise that I will never take that luck for granted._

In Bernie’s nightstand there was a sheet of paper she had found in the ‘junk drawer’ which Serena still refuses to refer to as such. While Serena was washing their mugs, Bernie had scribbled a few sentences in her illegible handwriting on it.

_I said I wanted to tell you everything. You told me to tell you everything. Everything seems like a lot to fit into a wedding vow and it is. So instead of attempting the impossible I promise that I will talk to you. Everything I am, everything I’ve ever been, everything I’ll ever be - it’s yours._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing wedding vows is tough, y'all.  
> Anyway, that's the end of this story.  
> Tell me what you think!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> This is the first fanfic I've ever written. I'm trying to get better at writing so any feedback is more than welcome.


End file.
